i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My vagina just clenched in fear
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
