Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize