TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
