the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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