I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I only lived at night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
