My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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