Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
