I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
