Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
