I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
