If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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