actually, I'm a sock model
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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