It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
