I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
