You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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