i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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