Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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