He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
