The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
