rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Found your dick twin last night
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
