i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
