Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
