I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
