If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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