I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
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She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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