The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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