Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
