hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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