Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I party with great urgency now.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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