Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
