Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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