Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
