I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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