Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
