Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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