I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
