My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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