We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
