$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
