I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
