I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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