So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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