this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
