i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
