you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
