He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
