i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
