Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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