Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
