Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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