I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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