Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
