Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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