Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
