I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
its like you know when i get waxed