I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
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Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
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I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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