i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
